mentalmidget's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

i broke up with joe tonight...mai's trying to make me feel like a heartless bitch...i sent him an email. here it is: dear joe, after you got offline...i thought really hard about some things...i thought about them last night too...didn't sleep really that much at all...it's just i thought about our relationship and i realized a few things. we got together for the wrong reasons. i had hoped that you could replace steven and you had hoped that i could replace lauren...the thing is, that wasn't possible. it's not possible to replace another human. you wanted lauren back even after she did that...i don't know why you even went out with me. one of my friends says that you just used me as a safety net. maybe he's right. did you? and if you did, i'm just as guilty because i realized that what was going on wasn't real from the beginning and yet i didn't do anything to stop any of it. you still hoped that she would take you back, didn't you? while my situation on the otherhand is quite different. i loved steven, but i knew that i couldn't have him. so i thought maybe that you could change that. take my mind off of him and stuffs. it didn't work that way. steven told me that he loved me while i was with you. it happened around one of the times you tried to kill yourself. it was such a hard decision. i chose you over him. and then again, i thought maybe you could replace him. i was such a dumbass...i shoulda realized that another person cannot be replaced...this relationship was doomed from the beginning...we both hoped that one another could replace the people that we had previously. our hearts still belong with them. i do love you, but not in that way. i love you as a very dear friend. i didn't realize that till now. i thought that i loved you as more than a friend because i had never had anyone there for me and never had anyone care for me really...always been alone. i didn't wanna lose something like that, so i went out with you...i don't want this to hurt you...haha...that's one big problem for me...i can't hurt people because it hurts me more...the thing about life is that someone is gonna get hurt no matter what. it's just that there's no point in life if you're living for someone else. you should live life for yourself. how can you actually be happy if your life is completely dedicated to one person? you cannot possibly get any happiness out of this. i am not doing this because i have found someone else, i'm doing this because we both cannot possibly be happy in this. i know that you want me to have the best...i also want you to have the best. neither one of us is the best for each other...i'm sorry...i just thought a lot about this...been thinking about it all weekend...i was so confused...i didn't know how i felt anymore...but now i do. some close friends helped me realize some things and i see that they're right...well i'm gonna stop typing now...we can talk about this more on msn or something or if you don't ever wanna talk to me again, i understand... well byes, delia

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